


words made flesh

by badAquatic, orphan_account



Series: Trailerstuck [14]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Drug Addiction, F/M, Flashbacks, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Kankri is a sexy DILF, Older Man/Younger Woman, Past Abuse, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Hatred, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Platonic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 16:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badAquatic/pseuds/badAquatic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terezi contemplates his past, her present, and her future concerning the matter of the two Vantas boys. </p>
<p>A Trailerstuck side story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

**Author's Note:**

> “Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as a secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh.”  
> ― Leonard Cohen, The Favorite Game

 

****

**== >Terezi: Consider Karkat’s feelings. It’s not his fault what happened.**

How dare he.

 

**== >Terezi: He didn’t mean to hurt you.**

 

_How dare he._

Years and years the two of you were together and he _never_ _noticed_. You grew up in the wiggler pen together, spent your kithood as two inseparable goofballs. Both your parents liked that you were together, knew that you had obvious red feelings for Karkat.

And what did you get when you finally admitted to those red feelings?

Disappointment, rejection, and now admittance that he had flat out never known.

Or probably never cared to look.

You had only ever wanted to make him happy. That is why you talked to Dave and sort of pushed him to take a look at Karkat. Your...old childhood friend…had obvious flushed feelings for the human—always talked about Dave,  complained and then stared at him with longing...to the point it hurt.

You should have known then he had never been yours to lose.

You were just a friend.

Or _was_ his friend. 

You want to break it off entirely and you hope at least he understood the Trollbook de-friending well enough. Part of you felt like crying when you did that but that part of you remembers Karkat when he was little. How he always talked about you two getting pale-married or growing up to be all flushed and make awesome grubs who would take over the world.

Yeah.

“If wishes were fishes.” as the Amporas always say.

Your iHusk is buzzing frantically. You ignore it. You know it’s him trying to call and apologize; spewing whatever bullshit he can form to get you to be his friend again. The fact still stands that you paid a lot more attention to him then he has _ever_ paid to you.

And you were done with it.

You were too nice to everyone, too understanding, too always in the background. Now there wasn't anyone for you to flush. Everyone was settling down, finding that special someone…except you.

The little blind girl. The one who was always just going to be “a good friend”. 

It’s not like you have the right to complain though. Your problems aren't very big. Your problems are the normal problems of a teenager troll. You don't have problems like Tavros does with his abusive relationship or like Feferi with her fits.

You're just blind and happy, which makes you the most average kid in the park. Maybe that is why everyone comes to you with their problems like you can solve them. You’re so average you are pretty much the new normal in this den of madmen. Your iHusk won’t stop buzzing. You turn it off and hurl it across the floor.

You just sit on the bed—feeling angry, hurt, confused, and filling with enough emotions that makes you want to scream and punch against the wall until you can get it all out.


	2. Heinous chemicals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.”  
> ― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

**== >Present Terezi: Be Terezi years into the past (but not many)**

Your family didn't always live in the trailerpark. You used to live up in the suburbs when you were very small. That was before the burn out; back when Mituna was still very lucid....and very cold. You never met your grandfather, The Psionic, but Grandma Redglare said Mituna was nearly a twin to his own father. Both, she told you, were cold and calculative; more like machines than trolls, and were prone to anger when something did not go exactly as they had intended.

Everything had to be perfect with Mituna.

 

The house had to be cleaned to his standards, set up to his standards, run to his standards, and even the family had to be just so. He was the patriarch and the father was always— _always_ _—_ in charge. Latula was the perfect pearl necklace housewife who stayed home to raise their daughter and later son—because _all_ families should have one of each of the parent’s hemotype and simply could _not_ be the same gender.

As long as this was so, Mituna more or less ignored his family when he came home from work.

Back then, he had been a top programmer for Bombalier Inc., which did work in transportation and security systems. Your father had been brilliant. There wasn't a code he couldn't write or repair; no virus or system hiccup he couldn’t wave away with a technological magic touch. He was a troll in high demand; always away on business trips to exotic places, earning big boons. He was even in line to get a promotion to CEO with how he was going.

Life was picture perfect, but cold. That was something you remember well.

Your father never talked to you really. He might spare you a glance, scowling a bit and make a comment about how unkempt you were. You were a wild child after all, full of adventure and wanting to see the world. You could never keep your little polka-dotted dresses and lacey socks free from smears of grass and mud. You weren’t the perfect little indoor doll like most suburban children were. Karkat could never stay over when Mituna was home, as he would fume and then the next day shout at your mother about letting a dirty tramp into his house.

But that was nothing unusual; he was always yelling at Latula. They were always fighting. You sometimes wonder what it was that kept the two of them together despite the spousal abuse.  You probably would have grown up a suburban socialite with your brother Sollux if it hadn't been for one thing. 

Your father's addiction to mind honey.

Mind honey. That heinous chemical distilled from the native Alternian insects, the Jocose Bees. They were purple bees that gave off electrical impulses, which was why they could be used in the maintenance of computer systems like Bombalier’s apiculture networks. In its gooey raw form, it could be slurped up for a boost to the brain or a possible psionic burn out.

Take that golden goo to a drug lord’s refinery and they’ll mix the mind honey with lime in boiling water. The organic waste will sink to the bottom and on the surface a golden yellow band of pure hallucinogenic power forms. This is collected, reheated with ammonia, filtered, and boiled again, until it is reduced to a fine pure gold fluid with the consistency of watery clay.

You’ve learned a lot about mind honey over the past years. Vriska says you might have an obsession about learning everything there is to know with the drug. You don’t doubt your strange sick fascination with mind honey.

Your memories are always so crisp of those days—back when your father would come home late, high as a kite, snarling at every little thing that would agitate him. His eyes would be crackling with overworking psionics and veins would be popped out at his temples and about his eyes. He was on edge, alert, eyes darting about, no doubt seeing things that weren't there; his already temperamental disposition aggravated.

That was when the fights were the worst.

He would throw things, scream, and then leave the house with your mother sobbing quietly as she cleaned up the mess.

Things only got worse after Sollux hatched.

He had been an affectionate grub, always wanting to nip and peep at his father. As his sister, it was your duty to keep him from bothering father in any way. You were honestly afraid your father might hurt your little brother if he was irritated enough. You would play house with your grub baby brother and tell him he had to be perfect and not all annoying, or else daddy would be cranky. Perhaps that is why Sollux clung to Latula and you when he molted to be a kit.

It was a week after that when everything began to fall apart.

You doubt Sollux remembers, as he was small back then.

It started out like any other night honestly—your father came home high on the honey and started screaming at your mother.  Sollux crawled into your recuperacoon and held onto you, whimpering at the noise. 

Maybe it was the fact your little brother was so scared, or maybe it was the fact you had been watching too much Digispawn about being a hero and stepping up to take responsibility. Whatever the reason, left your recuperacoon and ran into the living room, yelling at your father to leave mother alone.

Mituna hadn't liked that. You never spoke up to your father when he was sober. It was ten times worse to do so when he was high.

You only saw the flash of red and blue and heard your mother screaming.

You woke up to absolute darkness and the doctors telling you that your vision was gone; your corneas fried to a crisp—like you had spent an hour staring into the sun. Your mother was sobbing the entire time. Sollux tugged on your hand, telling you he would be your seeing eye dog from now on.

Your father never apologized or said a word. Your mother never told the police who had blinded you, even though they pressed her. A social worker harassed you for a while; kept snooping about the house and dropping in to see how things were going but with a spotless house in the suburbs you weren’t in the ‘danger zone’ for anything.

You never said it, but you were terrified of Mituna. That only lasted a few days though.

A few days late you were back at the hospital, your father in a drug induced coma. He was like that for weeks.

Once they found out about his mind honey addiction, the executives at Bombalier Inc. made the connection between their head engineer and the missing Jocose Bees from their apiculture networks. A pink slip was mailed to the house, stating his termination. Your mother took a job at the Muricel factory, making batteries. What could she do? You didn’t have the money for a legal battle and you definitely didn’t have a leg to stand on in this case, since it was proven Mituna was stealing from his place of employment.

When your father was finally sent home, he just sat in his old office whimpering. He gnawed on his lip and stared at the code at his husktop, unable to understand a thing.

That was the first time you ever heard your father sob.

You sat by the door listening to the noise. Eventually, you went to his side and tugged on his shirt and handing him your Lemonsnout plushie.

“Lemony will keep us safe, Daddy. I got hurt and Lemony helped me feel better and now they can help you feel better…okay?”

Mituna had stared at you for what seemed like ages before he let out a hoarse sob and pulled you into a tight hug, face buried in your hair.

 

That was the first time your father had ever hugged you or shown affection. You teared up and hugged him back.

Now Daddy needed you.

* * *

The next years went by in a flash of changes. You couldn’t afford the mortgage on the house or anything else in the suburbs, so you downsized and relocated to the trailer park. You were excited about the move though, since you were closer to your friends.

Your mother was never at home since she had to work, which left you in charge of your father and making sure he was all right. You also had to watch after Sollux since he was still young; making him lunch, cooking him dinner, helping him with homework and quadrant issues.

A lot of things had changed by then... but you remember it all.

You also remember that faithful day your relationship with Karkat entered a nose-dive spiral into oblivion.


	3. if you live to be a hundred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”  
> ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

**== >Present Terezi: Be Past Terezi at age three**

 

This was still when you lived in the big suburban house. Kankri had been a mess for a while now and Cronus was working so much that Latula thought it was a good idea for you to have playdates at your house with Karkat, just to keep him out of trouble. Your father, of course hated the idea of his “perfect” family playing with trailer trash, so Latula made sure Karkat was home again before Mituna came back.

More or less, Karkat and you had been playing since you were grubs—as Kankri and Grandfather Vantas had some sort of crazy relationship where the former wouldn't let the latter watch Karkat unless Cronus was with him.

Personally you didn't see why your best friend Karkat liked the Grandfather Vantas. The man was the embodiment of a cranky old troll. But then you were a stupid kit and you absolutely adored Karkat and everything about him, even his strange family.

It was the Eighth of April. You were three. You waited at the window for Kankri’s old hovercar to come down the street.  When Kankri finally pulled up, bleary eyed and hung over, you practically ran out of the house squealing happily.

Karkat jumped out of the still moving hovercar screaming your name arms flapping around like he was some deranged bird, “ _Tereeeeeeezi_!”

The two of you met in a jarring hug, toppling over and rolling around the front lawn like a couple of loons while Latula chuckled and took pictures. She always liked to take pictures of you two when you were small. Even Kankri gave a slight tired smile.

“Aren't they just a precious little pair?” Latula cooed as you and Karkat yipped, headbutted, and prattled on about troll kit concerns like finding big bugs and new toys.

“... yes they are. How have you been doing Latula? With Mituna I mean.” Kankri said, glancing up from his usual, submissive position of looking at the ground, “He was always a sort of...strict troll and all...”

Everyone probably knew of the abuse going on, but you weren't aware of that. You didn't even know what to call it when Daddy hit Mommy. You just knew then you didn't like it much. There was so much you were blind to when you could still see.

Your mother just smiled and, of course, lied about everything, “He's high strung but we’re doing well. I'm very happy and with Sollux due to hatch any day now, I can't wait to introduce another member to our little family...”

She paused and tentatively reached a hand out to touch his shoulder, “How are you doing since...”

Latula trailed off and Kankri winced, looking away. You looked up then as the adults got quite.

Kankri sighed and looked back, his red eyes looking so tired and forlorn, “...I don’t like to remember that...” he murmured before turning to shuffle back to the hovercar.

No doubt he’d be spending the night in a bar again.

Latula watched him go and let out a sad sigh. She looked down at you and Karkat, forcing a tight lipped smile, “Go inside with Karkat, Terezi. I'll make you some snacks okay?”

You just nodded, smiling at your mother, and grabbed Karkat's hand to drag him to your room, “I got new Digispawn toys we can play with! I got the new Digispwan action figures and cards!”

Karkat's eyes widened, glazed over in awe, “They haven't even like been out for more than a week! Your house has _everything_ Terezi!”

You grin. Your house was the place to be. Everyone wanted to go to your house to play. Karkat said your room was big enough to house an army and had all sorts of cool things. The two of you could play for hours in there, chasing each other around as you played out adventures in Digispawn and Fiduspawn, and even occasionally the Thunder-Meowbeasts which was your new favorite show. You liked to be Thunder-Meowbeast Cheetarah and Karkat like to be Thunder-Meowbeast Lion-O. You would build up a pile of pillows and put a sheet over it to be Wrapped-Up-Corpse-Typething-Ra the Everliving. 

That day you finished up your play early and flopped onto your day bed, giggling and cuddling.

That was when the worse topic of all was brought up.

“Soooo,” you had said, “Got any...crushes?”

Karkat blushed, “No! Quadrants are _stupid_!”

You giggled. The two of you had reached the age where quadrants were something of an interest now and you were starting to cement people you wanted in them. You were developing crushes, pale and flush. You had the biggest of crushes right now on Karkat. No, you loved the ground he walked on and would snuggle things he touched because they smelled like him. You liked to nuzzle, purr, and snuggle Karkat and nibble on his horns and make him yelp and get all fluster. You flushed him with all your tiny heart.

“No they aren't! I got a crush but I won’t tell you if you don't tell me!” you said secretively.

As soon as Karkat admited he liked you as a matesprite, you would say you returned the sentiments and the two of you would be flushed forever.

How stupid you were.

“You got to tell me! I'm your bestest _bestest_ friend in like the whole world!” Karkat protested, headbutting you with a pout.

You laugh and dive under your blankets, “Nope! Not telling you unless you tell me first!”

Karkat huffed and flopped on top of you, his chin on the top of your head, “Tell me or I won't get off you!”

You just giggled and reached to pinch his side though the blanket. He let out a little squeal, squirming about, “Heeeeey! I' m ticklish! Terezi _noooo_!”

“Come on and tell me and I'll tell you!” you stop pinching his side and peek out of the blanket.

Karkat fidgeted on the daybed before glancing away.“....well I think I hate John” he murmured.

You huffed, “I said _like_! That means flush stupid and you don't hate _hate_ John. You just hate his pranks because of that one time he made you lick the flagpole and your tongue got stuck to it!”

Karkat grumbled, “I don't like _anyone_! Nope! So you have to tell me yours!”

“Nuh-uh! You like someone! You’re blushing like a tomato!” You pulled your sheets about you like you are wearing a hood, pouting at him.

He was silent then before grumbling low, “...that kid with the pointy glasses...human douche boy. He doesn’t talk or anything. He’s weird. But he like…he’s a weird jerk. And…” He giggled, “…sorta _cute_.”

And in that moment your heart exploded into a hundred little sad pieces.

You didn't say anything. You just flopped over and pulled your knees to your chest, forcing yourself not to cry. He didn't flush you. He didn't even notice you flushed him.

Karkat poked you with a worried whine, “Terezi? What's wrong?”

“I…I feel sick...” you said, barely above a whisper, “…you should go home before you catch what I got,”

Karkat shook his head, “No...! I'll stay. That is what friends do!”  
Friends. The word makes your chest hurt. You shook your head, “No, I need my mommy for this...”

He sat there for a few more seconds before he slid off the bed to get Latula. Your mother stroked your hair and asked you what was wrong. You mumbled about a stomach ache and she sighed. She left with Karkat, driving him to his grandfather's house. You just stayed in your bed, feeling horrible. He didn't flush you. All the teasing, headbutting, purring, snuggling, nuzzling, and sharing your entire young lives together meant nothing to him but “friends”. You bit your lip until it bled a little. You forced yourself not to cry…but still big teal tears rolled down your cheeks.

Your mother came back into your room and rubbed your back as you just curled up into a tighter ball. She stayed for as long as she could before she had to go start dinner. You remained in your bed. Eventually you crawled out and went to your closet and opened it, digging through your plushies to find the gift you were going to give Karkat today. It was going to be the most special gift ever that would show you were serious about liking him when he would have said he had a crush on you. Now... now it was just a painful book of memories.

It was a leather bound scrapbook that you had compiled all your drawings and pictures together in. There were pictures of you as grubs to when the two of you were at his last wriggling day party at the pool with just the two of you in swimmies in the water with Latula and Cronus.

Everything was perfect in your head....

You grip the scrapbook hard and march to the kitchen. You spent the last two weeks with your mother putting it together, putting all of your little flushed soul into this to make sure Karkat would like it. You marched right past your mother, who paused to look at you, as you solemnly threw the scrapbook in the trash. You didn't say a word. You just turned around, marched back to your room, and closed the door.

Then you threw the mother of all tantrums. Everything that had to deal with Karkat you threw about in a rage. You threw your Aguspawn action figure as hard as you could against the wall. You ripped up all the drawings you did with him of late. Then you went to your pile of Scalemates and took out the white one with red eyes he got you for your wriggling day and threw it on the bed.

You paced in front of it growling, “Traitor cherrykin! _You_ are before the court of Terezi's room for fraternizing with the stupid moron! How do you plead!?”

Of course it plead innocent but the jury (made of all the toys you liked) said guilty.

You beat it up.

You hit it, ripped you claws into it, and threw it around the room. As the years fell apart and everything changed, Cherrykin remained the most hated of Scalemates to you.

* * *

**== >Past Terezi: Be Present Terezi **

 

You sit up and go to your closet. You push aside clothes and cardboard boxes, digging out the aforementioned Scalemate. It is no longer white but a dirty grey as you refused to wash it; heavily stained with all sorts of things you spilt on it. Its once silky white fur was missing in patches and haggard. One of the red button eyes was missing, the other chipped and the color fading. The seams were ripped and one arm was barely hanging on. The tail was missing all its stuffing and hanging off the back all shriveled up.

You hold it. You dig your claws into it. You feel all those hurt feelings well up again and you let out a short scream. You rip the head off the offending plush and throw it across the room.

Fuck Karkat.

Fuck him and all his rants that he made you endure, when all you wanted was him to see you.

Fuck him for always ignoring you and how you felt.

Fuck it all.

You don't want to think anymore.

You look at the remaining Pabst you bummed off of Kankri.

You blush a bit. It was a slightly awkward night when Kankri confessed having red feelings for you. You'll be the first admit that you hadn't thought Kankri even noticed you through his drunken stupor or even considered you matesprit material. What was even more embarrassing was the fact you blushed and started acting so shy about his confession.

Kankri wasn’t that bad looking for his age though. Despite the messy hair and the tired look in his eyes, he was a very attractive troll. The only off-putting thing about him was the smell old booze and depression…but that wasn't anything a good bath wouldn't cure. He was warm, sweet, and caring in his own way. He seemed to pay a lot more attention to you and your worries then your so called “friend” ever did...

You blush. What are you thinking? Yeah, Kankri is attractive but...

You pause.

Why are you trying to talk yourself out of feeling something for Kankri anyways? He's nice. He's lonely. He just wants someone around who cares for him truly and not out of guilt, and you've always been there more or less. When Karkat would complain about Kankri you would always defend him because you liked Karkat's Dad. You used to stop by his trailer and give him gummy worms you bought with your allowance, and you were always so proud of yourself for doing that. To be honest…you sort of did have a crush on Kankri as he always talked to you and wanted to know how you were. He made things about _you_ and you always felt comfortable talking to him.

You sigh and sit back on your daybed, mulling this situation over. Kankri wants to flush you, but Cronus is his matesprit. You don’t want to go behind Cronus's back. You should sit down and talk with Cronus before letting anything happen. You can't stop blushing though and you move to burrow under your blankets. You just pray tomorrow will be well...normal.

* * *

You spend Sunday in a hung over-haze. Monday is just as uninteresting. It is the start of Finals Week and burnout is being felt all around At lunch, Tavros is face down on the table, having crawled out of the warzone that is Pre-Calculus. Kanaya is in near tears talking to Vriska, fretting that she had bombed the English test—then again, bombing for Kanaya meant being three points from a perfect score. Vriska is just trying to keep the jadeblood calm. The only one not suffering burn-out is the purpleblood. Fuck, he doesn’t even have to show up for school. Since he started late and because of the SAT on his record, he’ll be cruising through classes for the summer.

You sit at your lunch table, playing with your food idly. Sollux sits next to you, ignoring the world while he playing some overly-violent shoot-‘em-up game he most likely pirated on his DS. Overall, tt’s a typical day...until you see Karkat saunter up to the table, looking down and trying to appear as sorry and sheepish as possible.

“Hey Terezi...” he says, giving an awkward smile. His front teeth always stuck out a bit. He used to have the worse sort of overbite when he was a kit.

“Karkat.” you say blankly, refusing to look at him as you spear some chicken.

“Well I want to apologize...you are very special to me and my best friend...” he mutters.

Again you don't even look at him. You chewing angrily on your chicken, “Sollux is a better friend than _you_ and he isn't even paying attention to anything,”

Karkat flinches and looks down again, “I know I've been a horrible friend and haven't really listened to you but you should have said something! I'm dumb sometimes about others and—”

You now look at him, giving a sickly sweet grin that looks more like a Great White Sharktopus about to rip apart a walrus bobbing in the water with no land in sight, “Ohhhhh _really_? You want to know what I think, _Karkat_? What I really think about your _apology_?”

He nods, smiling. He really thinks you’re going to tell him the news you want to hear. That after everything and after his measly half-thought-out apology…you forgive him. That it’s not a big deal. That acting so self-centered, ignoring your feelings and how you felt is a perfectly fine way to treat a best friend.

You grab Karkat’s hand. You lead him to the trashcan at the cafeteria doors. Before the mutantblood can ask you what’s going on, you grab him by his belt. Karkat’s a small troll and even a not-so-coldblood like you can lift him up. You turn him upside down and dump him in the trashcan. Then you walk off, leaving the troll whining and mewling upside down—unable to get out.  It’s amusing as all hell.

You feel better after that.

Unfortunately Karkat is a very tenacious troll when he wants to be. He spends the entire day trying to apologize.

Luckily, there’s always a trashcan nearby to put him in.

Dave has to keep rescuing his matesprit…but not before taking pictures and posting them on Trollbook. He gave them hilarious names like “Karkat in repose in a garbage can” or “Karkat reflects on the Phallicentricism of Life....in a Garbage Can”. You didn’t even know phallicentricism was a word. Must be some big ironic word for something or another that has to do with human bulges.

Even though putting Karkat in various garbage cans does make you feel a little bit better…a small piece of you still feels hurt over all of this. Seventeen years old, a tealblood, and empty quadrants. It’s a pity not even the most flush desperate would go for.

Well, Tavros is sort of pale…when he isn't trying to be Troll Ali G and a badass hoodrat with Hanael—his “baby” ( _ugh)_. You know for a fact Tavros's childhood was anything _but_ hoodrat material. He grew up a country bumpkin that got farmer tans in the summer and always talked about how he wanted to own a dairy farm.

You wonder what all his hood friends would say if they knew Tavros, at one time, would go hunting with Rufioh and his big ol’ Bullander lusus-hounds—shooting deer and gophers off the back porch, deep frying turkeys, and having a mutual appreciation for banjo music. Tavros once chewed out Vriska when she made some Troll Deliverance comment about his home life.

Clearly “squeal like an oinkbeast” is not a pick up line hill folks enjoy.

Really, Tavros is anything _but_ a hoodrat. He could probably beat the ever loving shit out of all those so called friends of his. If only he could see how strong he was compared to assholes like Hanael…

Thus, Tavros is sort of pale for you. Vriska is only pale when it benefits you. Karkat isn't worth pitching as he would probably cry, want to snuggle, and not have any sort of angry feelings toward you ever. You let out another sigh as you take your things out of your locker.

You feel like you need a drink.

Or…

Or maybe you just feel like a drink as you know the only person you can get one from is Kankri and that’s an excuse to be near him. 

You sling your backpack over your shoulder and exit the school. The school bus has already left. You could make your way to the nearest bus stop, but you don't mind walking. Better than being crammed in an overcrowded school bus to the point you are sitting in someone else's lap. Vriska claimed that some guy kept groping her glute on the bus but according to her, _everyone_ was trying to grope that cerulean glute. 

You shake your head though. No bus shenanigans today. Today is all about you—just walking, trying to clear your head and sort out your sudden, confusing flush feelings. Did you flush Kankri back or were you using him as a replacement for Karkat? Kankri was always so kind, gentle, and friendly towards you. He always treated you better than Karkat and you always went out of your way to try and cheer him up. Cronus was always thankful when you were there to help calm Kankri down and take care of him.

You couldn’t live with yourself if you just used him.

Maybe you should go visit Kankri. Cronus is at work right now, which is usually when the mutantblood is at his worst. 

* * *

Karkat’s trailer is always the easier one to pick out. The meager front yard is overgrown and faded pink flamingos still try to stand over the thicket of weeds. A lawnmower is stuck somewhere near the driveways from when Kankri tried to mow the land and then gave up in despair after a few steps, crawling back into his trailer to drink.

You walk to the door and knock lightly. There’s no response so you open it, peering into the depths of the messy trailer, “Hello...? Kankri...?”

At first there was no response and you wonder if he’s passed out again...but then you hear a groan of life and see movement on the couch as Kankri slowly pushes himself up. He turns to look at you, bleary eyed and hungover. He must have passed out before you arrived.  
“Mmmm... _Terezi_..?” he murmurs, blinking a bit.

You nod as you enter the trailer, closing the door behind you, “Yeah. Just me. Just stopping by to check that you are okay. You were pretty... _miserable_ on Saturday.”

Well miserable isn't the word you would use per say—more like he had confessed flush feelings and then sunk back into depression as he thought she would never accept him. That he was too fat, too pathetic, and too old—all of which you didn’t care about. You think he’s cute in his own way. Kankri is warm, cuddly, and his hair is curled and fluffy. You feel a teal blush ride to your cheeks. Where in heavens above is your mind going just then?

Kankri smiles tiredly, “I'm...I'm doing better now that you are here,” He pauses, a red flush rising to his face. He looks at the messy floor, “That isn't to uh, say that uh...well...that I meant anything uncomfortable. I mean....I just like having you here…”

You smile. He really is adorable in how he tried to not be “triggering” and try to censor what he said, as if you would be offended by any of this. You walk over and sit next to him. He glances at you, gnawing on his lower lip slightly now.

You reach out to put a hand over his nervously, offering a slight smile, “It is okay, really...I've just been doing a lot of thinking today in between putting Karkat into trashcans...”

Kankri looks up, “Putting Karkat into...why would you do that...? Did he upset you?” He gives a low, protective growl at the latter. It makes you blush more and you feel a a tiny bubble of happiness swell up inside you.

“No, just typical bonehead Karkat...” you mumble, “…this isn’t about him though. I came here to....to talk about _us_ Kankri.”

He stares you and then looks away, “I understand if you don't want to continue...getting into the nitty-gritty of things. I-I'm not really worth your time in all honesty. I'm burnt out, used up, drunk, fat, self conscious and—”  
You put a hand over his mouth and chuckle lightly leaning in, “I think you are fine just the way you are, Kankri..”

You remove your hand and lick your lips nervously…before leaning in to kiss him, throwing caution to the wind. This is your first kiss. You feel him twitch from the press of your lips against him, shocked at your gesture. Then, shyly, he begins to move his mouth against yours. This is awkwardly and horribly uncoordinated, like kissing a deranged carp. Kankri chuckles and gently works his lips against yours. Okay. Kankri knows how to kiss; that’s for sure. If he kisses like this....you feel a shiver of odd heat move down your spine, heading right between your legs.

The two of you part for air. You're panting lightly and so is he. His face is flushed a bit and he looks so shy and adorable right now....

“Terezi...thank you but uh...don't you think-”

You lean in to kiss him again with a purr, not letting him voice all his fears and misgivings right now. It doesn't matter to you. It never mattered to you. Right now you just wanted to help make Kankri feel loved. You put every bit of your confused teenaged flush behind this next kiss. You let your tongue slide out when he nibbles your lower lip with a low purr.

It goes quickly from kissing to full on making out. Ths is…escalating quickly but you don’t care. Some sort of insanity is pushing you to press against him, run your claws along his shoulders, bite the outer shell of his ears, encourage his hands to feel every soft curve of your body. You wonder if this is your heat cycle or just being a normal pent up teenager.

Kankri breaks away from a kiss, panting, eyes hooded. “Terezi...I...well...we don’t have to go on... I mean I'm not that....not attractive really. I've put on some weight and all...I doubt it would be...”

You chuckle and slowly slide your shirt off, exposing the heft sacks nestled in your bra. Kankri has stopped his self-shaming and is now staring unabashed, mouth open slightly. His face a near solid red now.

You feel a sudden jolt of shyness and cover your chest with your arms, with a soft embarrassed giggle. He responds with an awkward smile of his own and leans in to kiss you. Hesitantly he moves to touch your arms. He's nervous and so are you. You blush even more, wondering if you are doing something wrong....

Then he is gently pulling your arms down to expose your heft sacks. He slides down lower and with a smile, seizes the unraveling lace of your bra in his teeth. He pulls it down slowly. His red eyes look up at you as he continue pulling it down. He slides his right hand up your body to cup your heftsack.

“You have nothing to be shy about Terezi...not like I do...”

His thumb rubs over your nipple and you gasp. This…that feels good… _really_ good! Kankri purrs and unhooks your bra, tossing it away. His eyes are clear, focused. His warm tongue slips out of his mouth and runs along your heftsack. You feel his throat vibrate as he purrs, kissing and licking along your body. You run your claws through his messy hair; you lightly scratch his horns. Kankri moans against your skin and you feel his body shudder. His claws slide down your ribs and grab your jeans. You chuckle a little, causing him to look him.

 “...w-what...? Did I ….do something wrong?” he asks, gnawing his lip again.

You’re blushing a deep shade of teal. You reach to grab the bottom of his sweater and lift it, “Just that I’m nearly undressed and you still haven't taken anything off...”

He fidgets, only resisting a bit as you help yourself to removing his sweater, “J-just...I'm not...not comfortable with being undressed around people.”

He looks away when the sweater comes off.  His hands retreat to his sides, as if he’s trying to curl into a ball. He tries to move away from you but you move closer. You kiss along his collar bone and rub his shoulders. “I think you are beautiful Kanny....and you taste good.”

That comment brings a blush to his face and a smile. He kisses you again; the first is gentle and the following two are progressively more heated. You give up trying to think about this. You throw yourself into the fourth kiss; letting your teeth click together and your tongue tangle with his. Your instincts are kicking in, letting you enjoy the feeling of this warm blooded troll pressed up against your own cooler body. Your claws drag over his skin and his vice versa, but you aren't even registering that as you grind your hips against his.

A low, growling groan escapes Kankri as he bites down on your shoulder, leaving a toothy mark on your skin. You whimper and before you can even think, you feel your back press into the couch. Kankri leans over you, unzipping and pulling off your jeans with desperate need. You see his bulge wriggling in his tight pants. How long has it been, you wonder, since he got any sexual relief? You knew Karkat always mentioned his parents never having sex but with heat cycles, how long could Kankri possibly go without fucking _something_ …?

Once your jeans are off of you and on the floor, Kankri stops. He hovers over you, nervously licking his black lips.

“Terezi...you sure about this? I mean doing this with me... it...it has been a while for me. I might...not be really good....I won't fault you if you want to stop...I mean if I was you I would...”

You response is to slide off your pants and spread your legs, fully exposing your now-lively bulge and damp nook to him.

“I've...never done this before so you still got more experience than me. But...I'm positive this is what I want. You've really always been there to support me...and you care about me, like _really_ care and notice things that no one else does so...”

You stroke his bulge, still trapped in his pants, earning a shuddering moan from him. You unzip his pants and rub the wet appendage. Kankri’s eyes slide closed as he moans again.

“I want you…” you purr.

He looks at you, takes a nervous gulp of air, nods, and then slowly presses his bulge into you.

Oh….

 _Oh_!

That…feels really _good._ You've never had a bulge in you before. Your fingers were the most that ever dared to enter your nook, but your fingers are _nothing_ compared to the warm bulge working its way in. You let out a soft keen, head falling back as you dig your nails further into his back.

Kankri gives a low hiss, leaning in to bury his face against your neck.  His teeth nip your throat, “Ah...Terezi...!”

For a moment or two, the two of you cling to each other panting. He keeps still, letting you adjust although he is shifting about restlessly. You squirm beneath him earning a soft groan from the older troll.

“Ah....Kankri it's all...alright....you can move...” you pant, closing your eyes.

He nods and begins to thrust. At first he’s slow and timid, trying to find a good rhythm, but soon settles into a fitting pace.

_Blood and Haze…_

You dig your nails deeper into his skin, moaning loud, panting his name like a holy mantra. He bites your neck, moves to your mouth, and your lips crash together in heated passion. You feel something inside you coil up, taut and desperate for release. There is a miasma of smells radiating off of him—sweat, arousal, the slight tang of blood from the claw marks on him and the bite marks on your skin. All of them outline his shape, giving your senses a foggy impression of his appearance.

The couch quakes under the two of you, groaning. Kankri is crying out louder and his rhythm becomes more erratic as his climax approaches. You try to fight it; try to make the moment last but you come undone with a keen of pleasure, burying your face against his neck gasping. Your entire body stills. The coil inside you snaps, leaving behind warmth that spreads to the very tips of your fingers. Kankri shrieks in pleasure, arching his back as he pours a pool of warmth deep inside you.

It’s silent throughout the trailer, with only the sound of two panting and trying to regain your coherence again. Kankri moves first, sitting back as he pulls his bulge out. You smell his mystification or surprise.

You chuckle. “Something wrong...?”  
He shakes his head, “No, just...this...I really don't remember being sober and actually having…an orgasm. Uh, I know it's... it's _sad_ but…”

You giggle when he blushes more, rubbing the back of his head. He is just adorable. He goes to reach for something and you realize it’s for the can of Pabst sitting on the coffee table. You sigh and touch the hand reaching out for the alcohol. He looks at you, confused.

“Kankri? Can I ask you something...?” you ask.

He nods with a broad smile, “Of course... anything Terezi...”

“Are you serious about our flush?” 

Kankri nods again” Of course! What would make you think otherwise Terezi?”

You close your eyes and take a deep breath, “If you are serious about this flush...you need to stop drinking. I'll help you get dry, but I can't sit around and take care of you being drunk all the time. If you can get clean, then I'll be your matesprit.”

He is silent. He looks back to the Pabst and bites his lower lip, “But... I don’t remember the things that happened when I drink... it puts...holes in my memory. Holes I _need_ , Terezi...”

You smile and move in to kiss him, “It’s okay. We can get through this together alright? Get you sober, get you back to work, and back into a career. Bad things happen, Kankri... but who am I to talk? I tried to drink everything away just recently but...it just made me more miserable. I spent all of Sunday just feeling sick and hating everything and everyone. I have no idea how you handle hangovers so well...”

Kankri gives a soft laugh, “Ancient Vantas secret...the Signless....my....my _father_...he had so many odd remedies for things...” He looks down, “But...but I don’t want to remember...don't _want_ to…”

You touch the side of his face with a low shush, stroking his cheek, “It is going to be okay...you just need someone to keep you on the right path…oh....I know! Why don't we surprise Cronus and clean up the place a bit? Poor man does so much and he comes back to a messy home? ‘Blasphemy’ as my Dad would say!”

Despite his condition, Mituna still managed to be somewhat of a neat freak where it counted—mostly when it involved his and your mother's room and the kitchen. The living room is his little lair filled with stacks upon stacks of video games and one of Sollux's spare husktops tucked in the corner. It was like a yellowblood nerd lair.

You may not have your vision but your taste and smell inform you how much of a crowded mess the trailer is. You smell the piles of empty cans just lying under the couch, stale potato chips, yellowing newspapers, pamphlets, and books…you wouldn't be surprised if you found a hobo or a rat’s nest that’s been co-habiting this trailer for years.  

“We have our work cut out for us I think...but have to start somewhere right?” you say.

You slide off the couch, seeking out your clothes. Kankri follows you, a bit unsure, but he smiles. “Yeah...wow...I uh....I never really took a look to see how messy this place had gotten.” Kankri pushes a newspaper with his foot. He murmurs, rubbing the back of his head, “I think we had carpet at one time...”

You snicker, “Then we are going on an adventure of self-discovery through the grime to find the legendary carpet. Should have asked Aradia to come! She loves adventures, especially of the digging kind.”

You move to the kitchen and sniff out the darkened plastic of garbage bags hidden in a cardboard box.  They’re unopened. You smell a fine coating of dust on them, placed in the cupboard. It’s like finding a lost treasure in the Kingdom of Vantas. You wonder if Cronus was the one who purchased them in the past but hadn’t achieved his goal of clean perfection. Well now; you will be the one to finally complete the cycle.

Let the trials and tribulations begin. 

* * *

The cleaning of the Vantas-Ampora trailer is a long process filled with many discoveries, both horrifying and wondrous. You have discovered Karkat's old iHusk that he lost two years back, you find a pile of claw clippings that have probably been then since before Kankri started drinking, and a pile of bathtub grub toys stashed in the cupboard with the dishes.

However you were victorious in the end; the trailer completely clean and boulder-sized garbage bags rolled out the door and to the curb. Kankri helped vacuum the carpet clean; now all it needed was a good wash, which you decided to do tomorrow.

You finish up the evening with pouring out every last bit of booze down the sink.

Every. Last. Drop.

Kankri stares longingly at the bottles and looks like he is going to cry. He whimpers and occasionally makes grabby hands for it. Only when the last of the alcohol is gone, the mutantblood breaks into a cold sweat. He twitches, mumbling over and over again how he gets violent and how he didn’t want to hurt you….so you ended up tying him to his neglected daybed.

Oddly enough, you think he....sort of likes being tied down. As soon as Kankri is strapped to the bed, he starts to purr. He looks over at you and in a quiet voice, asks if you would call him a naughty boy. You'll have to ask Cronus what _that’s_ all about. 

Speaking of Cronus....

You’ve gotten prepared for the final conversation with him. You prepared a dinner of fish and seaweed salad for the hard-working seatroll. You sit at the kitchen table, waiting for him to walk through the trailer door. You are nervous. Really nervous. Nervous than you ever were for your finals earlier than day. You know Cronus is protective of Kankri and hates letting anyone near him. He only let you near him as you could calm Kankri down and get him to stop drinking, if only for a bit.

Now you want to ask his permission to take care of Kankri and to become his matesprit. You wonder if Cronus will even let you, if he will thank you politely for what you’ve done, or demand that you leave for moving in on his matesprit.

You are terrified of that happening....

You lick your lips and try to calm your pounding heart when you hear the roar of his hovercycle pulling into the driveway. It seems like every second is turning into a minute as he opens the door slowly.

Cronus looks around the trailer, in a daze, “...holy hells...the mobilehive’s... _clean_ and Kankri _isn’t_ passed out drunk on the couch?” He laughs and rubs the back of his head, “Now _that_ is something I thought I would never see.... _hells_ , I forgot we even had a carpet!”

You stand up and gesture to the meal laid out on the table, “Maybe it just needed a tealblood touch?”

Cronus smiles tiredly as he walks over to the table, “Maybe…where’s Kankri at?”

You chuckle a little bit, rubbing the back of your head, “Threw out all the booze and he was worried about getting violent, so I tied him to the bed. He's been dry for a couple hours now. From what I remember about my father drying up, the worse is yet to start….”

Cronus arches a thick eyebrow, “Tied to the....bed?”

You shrug. “He seems to like it. He was purring and asking me to call him rude names...I think it triggered memories of someone,” You give another shrug before letting out a sigh, “But that isn't what I want to talk about with you...”

Cronus glances at you now, “Hm?”

“It’s about Kankri...” You take a deep breath and say, “Cronus, I think I flush Kankri and…I know he flushes me...and... _well_...I want your permission to officially be his matesprit if that is all right. I know you don't like others being around Kankri and don't want him to get hurt again, but I'm really serious about this—serious as a heart attack!”

You raise your head, licking your lips nervously again, “And...and I want to make sure it’s okay with you first.”

Cronus is silent, staring at you. You shift uncomfortably and look down. He heaves a sigh and sits at the table now.

“Look Terezi...” the seatroll says, “…Kankri can be...well, he is a _lot_ of work and you are _young._ You shouldn't have to be tied down like that...”

You shake your head, “No, I don't mind. I want to help him. I want to get him dry, back on his feet and give him all my attention. All this time, I was sure I flushed Karkat but...well now that I look back on it, our relationship has always been...always been _pale_ , Karkat and I, I mean...” You rub the back of your head, “…but I've always gone out of my way to see Kankri...” You bite your lip, “I flush him Cronus and I want to be there for him.”

Cronus looks down at his hands before glancing up at you. A small smile is on his face, “You serious about this huh…?”

You nod, “Yes. I just want to make sure it is okay with you…”

Cronus’s smile widens, “You don't need my permission, kid. If this is what you both want and it’ll make Kankri happy, then I would want you two to be flushed. It’s been a long time since Kankri’s been happy. It really takes a load off my mind to know he is going to be cared for by someone that really feels red for him.”

You smile and let out a breath you hadn't realized you were holding, “I'll take care of him. You won't have to worry... I'll keep the house clean and Kankri dry from now on. I converted Karkat's old room even into a sort of greaser hive for you. No doubt you'll want your own space,”

Judging from the fact there were two daybeds and two recuperacoons in their bedroom, the two never slept together or hadn't in a very long time. You also found cheesecake posters rolled up in the closet of humans in various bulgeteasing posing. It’s clear to you which side of the family Karkat gets his human fetish from.  It’s clear the seadweller is attracted to humans and that Kankri and him had been matesprits more out of pressure from their parents than real affection.

Cronus gives you a grateful smile; the seatroll looks like he had a ten pounds of lead just lifted off his shoulders.  

“Thanks Terezi...” he says, “You were always such a sweet kid. Just I hope you know what you are doing...”

You chuckle, “I do. I know how to watch out for someone. I watch out for my Dad after all. I'll help Kankri...you should take the night off to celebrate though Cronus. Catch up with people,”

Cronus nods, “Maybe I will. Been a while since I was able to hang about the old joint. You sure you'll be okay? Kankri can get really cranky when he's sober...”

You nod, “I’ll be fine. I’ll probably check on him before I turn in for the night.”

You sit around and chat with Cronus, sharing the meal you made. When he leaves the trailer, he looks more hopeful and relaxed than you’ve ever seen.  You clean up the meal, put away the leftovers in the fridge, and wash the dishes.

Even doing these mundane chores, you still can’t remember the last time you felt so happy and relieved. You feel like someone inflated a St. Cappy’s Day parade balloon inside of you and it was going to burst in a shower of Faygo and confetti.

When the kitchen is clean, you creep into Kankri’s, and soon to be yours, room. Kankri sleeps on his daybed, still tied down. He shifts around, moaning and grimacing in his sleep and he fights through another dream. You move to the daybed and slide next to him. You stroke his hair and horns until he stops moving and settles down. His face unclenches and he murmurs, turning his head towards you.

You kiss his lips lightly before snuggling down next to him, pressing against his much warmer body.

You've never been so happy in your entire life.


End file.
